John Gets A Haircut

Today John is going to the barbers. Janet had said he needed a haircut and gave him 2/6d to give to Mr Kopitov. Do you know what 2/6d is? John doesn’t.

“What are these coins?” he asked.

“That’s two shillings and six pence!” said Janet, “and where’s your stupid floppy hat?”

“I can see the words on them . . .” started John. “I’m wearing it, Janet.” he added.

“Oh, so you are. Well, you’d better get going. Mr Kopitov is busy on Tuesdays.”

“But what is this funny money?” John asked again, confused by the coins she had given him.

“It’s half a crown. That’s what you have to pay for your haircut. Now, be off with you before it gets any longer and I have to send you to Gigis for a perm and blow dry.”

“All right” said John, and he set off in his pretty white shirt, shiny pink shoes and short purple trousers and big cream floppy hat.

“Oh, that reminds me,” says Miss Bobbles, “I must get some flowers” as John passes by.

“Good morning, Miss Boobies!” calls out John, nearly getting her name right.

Soon he arrived at Chop It Off. That was the name of the barber’s shop. That was very clever of Mr Kopitov don’t you think?

John was very small, though, and hadn’t spotted the name. He saw Mrs Plumpley coming down the street.

“Mrs Plumpley!” he called out.

“Hello, young John!” she replied. “And don’t you look fine in your pretty shirt and trousers and big floppy hat!”

“Yes.” agreed John. “But Janet says I look like a Duddy Blandy. Or something like that.”

“Hmm . . .” thought Mrs Plumpley. “She needs to get a bit more up-to-date. That girl needs to wake up and smell the coffee these days. But, anyway, what are you doing here?”

“ I want Chop It Off” replied John.

“Ooh, I say, John. What has Janet been telling you?”

“She said it was too long and she doesn’t want to give me a blow dry.”

Mrs Plumpley explained that she needed to rush along and ran off down the street.

John saw Mrs Cuppleweight.

“Mrs Cuppleweight!” he called. “I want Chop It Off”

“No you don’t,” asserted Mrs Cuppleweight. “Mr Cuppleweight feels like that sometimes and I can usually find something to help him feel better about things.”

“But Janet gave me 2/6d to give to Mr Kopitov . . .”

“Oh! You mean Chop It Off the new barber shop! That’s a relief! It’s right behind you.”

“Ah, Mrs Cuppleweight - ha ha - you’re playing with me now and pretending that we’re in a pantomime!!”

“Oh no I’m not!” said Mrs Cuppleweight.

“Oh yes you are!” said John, giggling and picking up one foot in a strange way.

“Hallo young man!” boomed an enormous voice with a Russian accent behind John.

“Aargh!!” cried out John.

“Told you!” said Mrs Cuppleweight as she walked off.

“Are you the pantomime baddie monster thing come to eat me all up?” asked John, still convinced he was in some kind of weird pantomime.

“No. I’m the barber. Do you want a haircut?”

“Oh yes, please!” replied John, finally realising that he was safe and putting his foot back down on the ground.

“Come on in then and jump up on that chair. Oh wait, you’ll need a plank.”

John jumped up on the chair that now had a plank across the arms, so he would be as high as the men would be.”

“Yes, you do need a haircut, young fellow-me-lad,” said Mr Kopitov as he got to work with the scissors.

After a while Mr Kopitov had finished and John had a nice, neat short back and sides underneath his big cream floppy hat.

“Anything for the weekend?” enquired Mr Kopitov.

“No.” said John. “My sister will be glad that she doesn’t have to give me a Blow Dry now.”

“Right.” said Mr Kopitov. “That’ll be £4.50, please.”

John gave him the two shillings and six pence that Janet had given him.

Do you know what 2/6d is? Kr Kopitov doesn’t.

“What’s this then?” he asked. “Do you not have a card? Or you can use your phone if you like? Just tap it here on this screen.”

John looked very confused and said that he would come back with some money later. Mr Kopitov was a kind man and said he could pay another day.

John ran home. Janet was in the garden pulling up weeds.

“Where have you been?” she squawked. “You’ve been a long time!”

“I got my haircut, like you told me to.” replied John.

“It doesn’t look any different.” said Janet.

John took off his big cream floppy hat.

“Mrs Cuppleweight said you should get a date up and break for coffee. She says that I shouldn’t be worried because her husband sometimes wants to have it off too. The barber was very kind. He gave me a plank and said that I didn’t have to pay him today. He said I could come back tomorrow and do something with what he had in his hand instead of money.”

See Janet make a big hole in the garden.

See John run.

John Goes To The Shops

Today John is going to Mr Giblett the Butcher. He has to buy some sausages for Janet and Mrs Plumpley asked him to collect some butter while he was in town. See John run along the street in his little brown shorts and big cream floppy hat. “Oh, that reminds me,” says Miss Bobbles, “I must get some mushrooms” as John passes by.

“Good morning, Miss Boobies!” calls out John, nearly getting her name right.

At Mr Giblett the Butcher’s, John asks for some sausage.

“Janet wants some sausage.” he says.

“And what sausage will that be, young John?” asked Mr Giblett “She usually has half a dozen of my Old English. But I do have some lovely bratwurst from Germany that is much bigger but more fatty”.

“I like an Old English sausage too,” added Mrs Cuppleweight, who was standing in the queue behind him. “It’s the best for Toad in The Hole.”

Do you know what Toad in The Hole Is? John didn’t.

“What’s Toad in The Hole, Mrs Cuppleweight?” he asked.

“Oh that’s when you get some nice batter and wrap it around your sausage. Delicious!” she told him. “You should try it one day. Ask Janet to make it for you. She will also need some butter. Anchor butter is best, I find. “If you wait a minute, John, I will get my chicken and we can go to the next shop together.”

“All right.” said John. John watched as Mrs Cuppleweight bought some pieces of chicken.

“Look at these, John!” she called, “Mr Giblett always keeps a packet of some nice chicken breasts on the side for me on Tuesdays and on Saturdays I come to see if he has some thighs for a stew.”

“Thank you very much.” said John, smiling at Mrs Cuppleweight. “I have to buy some butter for Mrs Plumpley today.”

“You’ll have to get two packs then, John.” she said. “Do you have enough money? I can help you if you don’t.”

John finished his shopping and ran back home. Janet was waiting for him.

“Where have you been?!” she shouted. “And what took you so long?”

See John panting.

“Well, I saw Mrs Cuppleweight in Mr Gibletts. She showed me her packet of big breasts. And she told me I need two Anchors and she would give me a hand if I didn’t have enough in my pocket”.

See Janet doing the ironing.

“Mr Giblett gives her one every Tuesday because she has stew. And she checks his thighs on Saturday”.

Janet slaps another pair of yellow trousers on the ironing board. “And what about my sausage?” she demands.

“Oh, Mr Giblett says you usually have some old English but thinks you’d like a fatter German for a change. And Mrs Cuppleweight says butter’s better to batter the Toad in your Hole.”

See Janet pick up the iron. See John run.


THE END